We Cannot Remember What we Don’t Pay Attention To.

We all lose something

“At one time or another, everyone loses something. We lose loved ones. We lose our health. We lose our glasses. We lose our memories. We lose our money. We lose our keys. We lose our socks. We lose life itself. We have to come to terms with this reality. Sooner or later, all is lost; we just don’t always know when it will happen.

Loss is a fact of life. Impermanence is everywhere we look. We are all going to suffer our losses. How we deal with these losses is what makes all the difference. For it is not what happens to us that determines our character, our experience, our karma, and our destiny, but how we relate to what happens.” Lama Surya Das

This quote gets my attention because it is true to my own experience. Have you had the experience where you can’t find your keys, your wallet, your glasses, or a word? And as we get stressed, we have less chance of finding what we are looking for.

This isn’t just my opinion; it’s a well-researched topic in the field of neuroscience and psychology. Dr. Heather Palmer, PhD in Neuropsychology has both researched and collaborated with seniors and people going through chemotherapy who experience brain fog.

Brain fog is a type of loss that we all fear, although I notice my grandkids have no qualms at all about losing gloves, forgetting backpacks and whatever else they were asked to do.

Simple takeaways to help our cognitive functions:

• Be a list maker. List makers rule, as it turns out.
• Have a home for everything.
• Don’t put “it” down- put it away.
• Use your phone to take photos of where you parked.
• Provide time and space for transitions between activities. No more cramming.
• Let go of the small irritants.

Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! This does not require a gym membership or cycling 100 km a day up and down hills. It means move your body. Do not get comfortable on the couch. Get outdoors often. You know what you can do. The missing link is to do it.

Spend time with people you like. Being in the company of others who lift you up, rather than drain you, cannot be overstated.

Try new things. Put yourself in situations where you don’t know everyone. This is like exercise for the brain. You may be asked an unexpected question. Your brain likes this. Take an art class or go to a concert or lecture. Stay social and resist the urge to withdraw to your hermitage.

• Find opportunities to laugh and people to laugh with.
• Eat well and enjoy a treat now and then.
• Ask for help when needed.
• Please don’t be mean or cross with yourself. Mistakes happen. We get to fix some of them. The rest we live with and move on.

Look for something beautiful every day and take the time to really see and appreciate it. No one is exempt from loss. It is part of the human condition. How we respond to unfortunate events is the key. It doesn’t mean it is easy and that is why we have each other. As a wise teacher frames it:

“We are born and we die and in between we have the chance to keep each other company and that is the thing that counts the most.” John Tarrant

One of my favourite topics is attention and it applies to memory and cognitive health.

“We cannot remember what we don’t pay attention to.” Dr Heather Palmer

“We cannot remember what we don’t pay attention to.”  Dr Lisa Genova

Surprising facts:

• When it comes to memory, we often haven’t forgotten—we never paid attention in the first place.
• Our memories are often wrong—young memories too.
• Important activities related to memory? Exercise, sleep, and community.
• Most vivid memories are between ages 15-30 because we experienced so many firsts.
• Muscle memory – typing a code into a door lock for instance. Body knowledge memory. Driving a car. Riding a bike etc.

“It’s important to know that memory is not designed to be perfect. Our memory system has not evolved to be perfect in the demands we are asking of it today in modern life.”

Things we worry about: Missing Words – Tip of the tongue (it starts with a C or an L) Forgetting a name. I came downstairs to get what? – We walk back upstairs. Ah. That’s it. Walk back downstairs.

If you believe that you have a terrible memory, it’s going to feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy when inevitably you do forget something. We’ve been beating up our memory in lots of ways, afraid of it, mad at it, frustrated with it, and having unreasonable expectations for it. So, there’s a lot of room for us to become better friends with it. It’s not about hacking your way to perfect memory, but rather, understanding the normal way it functions.

Fighting with what we cannot have and regretting what we cannot change adds to our suffering and angst. Living, fully living, giving our time to what we can do now, gives us unparalleled freedom to flourish in this moment.

“Exercise and sleep are the free pills we have today to improve our memory and help protect it for the future.”

There is no question that as we live longer, our memories diminish, which is how it should be. According to Lisa Genova, and author of Remember, “this is…how we are designed.”

Tips from Lisa Genova’s book Remember:

• Pay attention; decrease distractions; create meaning; use visual imagery.
• Use to do lists and sticky notes- write things down.
• Use highlighter or circle important things on your to do lists.
• Visualize to help recall.
• Be nice to your memory. Don’t criticize it.
• Exercise
• Sleep
• Spend time with other people.
• Chill out

I recommend Genova’s book Remember to everyone. You can get it at the library or online. This book is educational, realistic, provides tips for mental fitness and is helpful for those with more serious memory loss. Very importantly, it is not discouraging.

The Joy of It

From all the reading and listening I have done on memory loss, the number one thing we can do is “pay attention.” You can’t remember where you parked your car? This is usually not a memory issue but a lack of attention issue. You didn’t take note of where you parked.

I have an assistant that goes everywhere with me – my phone. I take a photo of where I park, especially in indoor parking lots with lots of elevators and exits, or on the BC Ferries. (Losing my car on the ferry when I was about 49 years old cured me of daydreaming as I locked my car and went up to the passenger lounge, clueless of where I parked my car.)

That same assistant takes photos of a new favourite bottle of wine, a quote I like, the packaging of a pillow that has cured my neck pain. and so on. The brain is not designed to remember everything, but we up our chances of remembering essential things by strengthening our ability to pay attention at this moment.

Consequently, getting better at “attention,” also reduces our stress. We can practice this skill through things like yoga, mindfulness, and meditation; walking in nature, drawing, and photography; these are just a few things that help improve attention and reduce chronic stress.

There are also evidence-based reasons to doodle when we are listening to a lecture or planning. Sketch a picture. Use colour. These things help us remember later. And yes, make the lists. Those list-makers among us can take a bow. It is a fallacy to think that we should “remember” all the little things we need to do. The brain prefers lists.

This doesn’t preclude memorizing your favourite poems. We all have things we love to do for the joy of it.

Notes

1. All photos this week are from Gabriola Island. The trees are part of a series Gottfried sent to me. I think of Forest Bathing. 
2. I apologize that this post is too long. 
3. Thank you for coming by. If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal. All my best wishes for whatever you are in need of. Warmly, Trudy

PS This is an update of a previous post on this topic.