Reflections On a Wintry Day

Celebration

Tonight I celebrated the end of my grandson’s Grade 10 semester. What that meant was a dinner out at our favourite pizza restaurant called Giulia’s in Ottawa – a lovely environment, friendly and professional staff and DELICIOUS pizza. Since parking is hard to come by in that area, especially in the winter, we drove to a street where we could park and called an Uber from the car. Voila, we had a car in 4 minutes, and for not too much more than parking, should there have even been a place, and much less than a ticket, if we parked in the wrong spot, we were dropped off at the door.

Our conversation tonight, initiated by Rowan, was on happiness.  I am not a fan of the word, even though the Dalai Lama is, mostly because it is laden with meaning that doesn’t work for me. As most of my readers know, I favour the Greek word eudaimonia. Rowan was curious about how I viewed happiness.

We discussed the topic back and forth, something like this. Happiness cannot be chased after, and even when you experience it, it’s impermanent.  It’s more of a side benefit of the things that matter to us, like relationships, work that you love, hobbies that you enjoy, purpose, meaning, helping others and the satisfaction of starting and finishing things. Also, appreciation and gratitude for the home we live in and the people we share it with, and so on. (We gave examples to each other from our own lives)

Happiness

I did point out that I’m not against happiness, rather I don’t like the common implications of happiness in our culture.  However, what I notice is that happiness comes in moments, like a joyful little surprise. That heart warmth when you greet a loved one, or get to do work that you would even do for free if need be, because you love it. Or the reward of spending long hours studying, or working on a project that is now complete, or skating the length of the canal and back under the stars, or going for a long walk and noticing the beauty of small things along the way and the joy of a bird song.

We continued with the idea that happiness is also what we can do without. Rowan stressed that happiness was not permanent but something that comes and goes. Adding new things to the growing pile of things may bring delight for a short while until we spot the next thing that we “need.” Don’t misunderstand, there is no virtue in denying ourselves creature comforts. Travel, in particular, is good for our spirits and has many practical health benefits (mental and physical) according to more recent research. However, it is easy to drink the marketing Kool-Aid that insists how vital to our happiness is this particular item. And then that one, ad infinitum. He added that when we rely on external sources for happiness, we will never be satisfied.

Life contains everything. Joy and sorrow; ease and struggle;  health and sickness; love and loss; and yes, happiness and unhappiness. If we can see all of this as inevitable, drop the idea of what we deserve and what we don’t, and recognize that we may not like something but we can manage it, we can experience contentment, satisfaction, each other, meaning and purpose, which comes close to summing up what matters.

Conclusion

We concluded that those moments of contentment were much more apt to happen when we were present for what was going on right now, rather than assuming “I will be happy when…”I retire, graduate,  get the promotion, the bigger house and car. Truth is, those future moments may never arrive, so it is best to see if we can make the moments we have right now count.

I think this topic came to mind because Rowan was facing a table where a small group of adults spent most of their time together, taking selfies with a flash and seemingly posting them to social media. And he wondered if they were even enjoying their food or each other’s company.  It wasn’t a complaint, but a curiosity. (To be sure, Rowan is also attached to his phone, but not at dinner) :-))

I thought of Dr. Shoma  Morita, who suggested, “Today is the best day.” What he implied was not that today was easy or without terrible struggles, but we are here now. So while we are here, let’s see what we can do to make this day a little bit better.  He phrased it like this – ” Today is the best day. An aspiration to live through with all your might and with all of its sparkle, at all times, till the end of life.”

There is a small book I like called Zen Seeds, written by a female priest, Shundo Aoyama. This is a favourite reflection.

“Everyone desires to be rich rather than poor. Everyone wishes to be healthy rather than ill. Everyone wants to be a success rather than a failure. No matter how hard you work during your lifetime, there may be times when you have to go without food for the day. No matter how much you complain of illness, you have to be ill when the time comes. Even if it is an illness you will die from, you cannot escape it. No matter how much confidence or capability you have, there may be failures.

Happiness that depends on what you acquire or become is only conditional happiness, not true happiness. No matter what happens, it is all right. If you become ill, just be ill; if you are poor, than just be poor. Unless you “accept” your present circumstances, happiness cannot be attained. To face any situation and accept it with open arms “if it can not be avoided” molds the attitude enabling you to see that such a wonderful way of living is possible. This is indeed something of consequence. As soon as this attitude is achieved, you have reached paradise, anytime, anywhere, and in any circumstances.”

Allow me to highlight the important phrase here: “if it can not be avoided.”  If it is something that can be avoided than we do everything in our power to change those circumstances. This is the only, or rather, this is my favourite definition of acceptance by Jon Kabat-Zinn:

“Acceptance doesn’t by any stretch of the imagination mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is – especially when you don’t like it – and then work mindfully as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in, and with the resources at your disposal, to be in wise relationship to what is, which may mean at some point acting to mitigate, heal, re-direct, or change what can be changed.”

Notes

1. When dinner was finished, we chose to walk back to our car. The temperature was not too cold, and it was a fifteen-minute walk on a beautiful wintry night. As we walked to the car, I said to Rowan, “I have no idea what to write about tonight on my blog.” Although before we went to dinner, I had written my title. Funny how these things go. And truly, this entire perfectly ordinary event was happiness for me.
2. We are now almost to the end of January. Speaking of living in the present, I am longing for spring. There is no hope for me. 
3. Thank you for giving me the gift of your time by reading my blog. With deep appreciation. May you have good company as you make your way with both joy and sorrows. Warmest wishes, Trudy

PS Thanks to Rob for the Vancouver ducks. And that kid is Rowan three years ago, before he became fifteen and 6ft 3inches tall.