Just for Today – Musings at 80

Just for today

“Taking in the good, whenever and wherever we find it, gives us new eyes for seeing and living.” – Author: Krista Tippett. The On Being Project

When we get caught in a rut and become discouraged and demoralized with ourselves, it is no simple matter to talk, think, or climb our way out of it. When we hold all the aces it can be “relatively” easy to brush ourselves off and start again. But if we are suffering from devastating news and one loss after another, it is a different matter. Many of us know what to do, or what we could be doing, (there is no shortage of information) but there are days when we can’t rise to the occasion. We don’t even want to. And if we aren’t aware, we can then start chastising ourselves for everything under the sun.

Not everyone loves their birthday and they don’t like getting older. Nothing wrong with that except if we want to stay alive we need to keep having birthdays, which means we will get older.Getting older isn’t a piece of cake no matter what the “influencers” say but it can be a very special time of life.

The Art of Living Every Minute of Your Life

I was thinking about these things in my own life, especially with the shock of opening a card that said Happy 80th Birthday. On the first occurrence, and for a brief moment, I thought of my mother and that this was her card. It was a little surreal. Friends have told me, including my centenarian mother that 80 is unique. When you say it out loud everyone listens up – what? How is that possible? Mom used to say she was never more popular than she was in her 80’s. “I get credit for still breathing she would say jokingly.” As for the gym, when she put her age into the treadmill it barely moved. So she used my age.

We could say things have dramatically changed in 25 years when it comes to ageing but still – there is a difference that I want to honour. For instance, the body needs extra care and attention. (with all due respect to superagers who are not the norm.) I am not a superager yet I do have a lot of energy and lead a very active live.  However, this body is not the same as it was ten or even five years ago. I run out of steam earlier, and when I notice I put my feet up and doze off. There are more things that can go awry the longer we live. This is inevitable.

I have loved, for decades, this tiny poem by May Sarton:

Friend or Enemy

I can look
At my body
As an old friend
Who needs my help,
Or an enemy
Who frustrates me
In every way
with its frailty
And inability to cope.

Old friend,
I shall try
To be of comfort to you

To the end. –May Sarton

As you may expect I am interested in the wonders of ordinary living at 80 and beyond. What does it look like? What do I no longer want to do? What do I want to do more of? And what might I regret not having done when my expiry date turns up? How will I face my own losses which will inevitably continue? This year two irreplaceable friends died; one much younger than me.

My car went to the dustbin shortly before my birthday and I am far from certain about replacing it. I also recognize that I don’t have to have a car, and I will be experimenting with a community car sharing opportunity in my city. There are several downsides to this, mostly inconvenience but why not “try see.”

One very big difference I have noticed for the last ten years is the number of friends who have a wide variety of health issues that require medical care of some kind. And the generous response of others who are there to lend a hand. This all takes time and it seems to me we need to build in time to be available for those in need. And hopefully we  are no longer striving to achieve one goal after another. In this past year I have six friends younger than me all with hearing aids now.

We can look at hearing loss two ways – the failure of our body to keep up with our age or the fact that hearing loss seems to be common and we have hearing aids on the market that can allow us to hear, even though it may not be as good as we would like.

I should mention my bias  here- I am not interested in the fanfare around living to be 150 or not dying at all. I think it would be a grave (pun intended) mistake for humanity. I have a strong desire for life but not at all costs. I am interested in the natural ageing process for myself and ordinary people. I have a sense that it can be a very special time in this life journey of ours. How do we all deal with loss, pain and suffering, unbelievable joy, laughter, purpose, love, grief, family, relationships, taking risks, traveling, our interior lives…how do we let go of possessions  younger people no longer want.

Do we lose sleep over what we can do nothing about? Or do we remind ourselves that we will have a better day if we focus on things we can do something about? Can we relax into a mindset that says I don’t need to fix the world, my adult kids, my neighbours, friends or the grandchildren, (well they are close to perfect haha) And perhaps turn our attention to the heart’s longings of beauty, art, writing, languages, travel while we can, music or a particular cause that we are passionate about, rather than scattering our limited energy over the entire world.

We are all different and we have more freedom to focus on what matters most while we are still breathing.

Maybe you want to join me in answering this question which is often prompted because of illness and ageing. It’s like we get a wake up call.

What matters?

Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen suggests that these kinds of defining moments prompt us to “think more deeply about things and ask ourselves questions like: What’s important? What really matters? How do I want to spend my time, my money, my energy? How do I live more deliberately according to the things that are important to me? Just a very simple two-word question—”What matters?”—can change your life and the lives of people around you.”

There is a plethora of information out there about health, wellness and ageing. Some of it is good. Much of it undermines our common sense. If we pay attention to our own experiences with a curious and open mind we can discover for ourselves what is important. And then we can be bold and brave and do new things, try things out,  not because it is “supposed” to help us but because we can experience the joy of becoming our own researchers, in our own lives.

Hey this matters for me and that doesn’t. No big deal. We are all different and that is what makes it so fascinating to be a human being in a highly imperfect world. Let’s wish each other good luck and jump into our lives at every stage. Positive thinking not necessary. Cynicism increases suffering. Reality itself is a great teacher when we notice.

Thank you for taking the time to read these musings. A little incoherent but we will see where this goes.

Have a wonderful weekend wherever you are. Warmest appreciation, Trudy

Something I read today that resonates with me from Kate Bowler’s new book Joyful Anyway: She is offering a promise to a dear friend who is grieving for her mother who  died suddenly and shortly after her daughter’s happiest day -her wedding. In Kate’s style she prefaces her promise with the fact that no reasonable person would ever make a promise like this but she goes for it anyway. “You will never be cured of this grief, it’s true. But you will be joyful, anyway, I promise.” 

In spite of it all, joy will still break through. It is like spring time in the garden where the force of aliveness cannot be contained. Like Kate, I swear by it.

PS Banner photo is 26 “Yellow Legs,” in Vancouver. Thanks to my son Rob.  The Japanese anemone I took in the fall a few years ago.