How Does This Apply to Me?
“Instead of trying to discipline your mind with ill will, fault-finding, guilt, punishment, and fear, use something more powerful: the beautiful kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness of making peace with life.” — Ajahn Brahm
Eighteen years ago, I was happily preparing for my last treatment at the Cancer Centre. “Finally, I will be done,” I said to myself. A celebration seemed in order, and I was making plans. The week before this auspicious date, however, I had pause for thought.
A beloved extended family member was diagnosed with an advanced cancer for which no treatment was available at that time. He, on the other hand, would have given his right arm for the chance to get chemo.
It struck me like a ton of bricks. As glad as I was to see the end of my chemo, I had been one of the lucky ones — treatment had been available to me.
A common refrain, not just in the sick room but at work, home, and elsewhere, sounds something like this:
- I have to make dinner.
- I have to go to work.
- I have to clean the garage.
- I have to weed the garden.
- I have to do my taxes.
- I have to go to chemo today.
- I have to go for that CT scan.
- I have to go for an angiogram.
- I have to have a colonoscopy.
- I have to ? (substitute anything that comes to mind).
Imagine, for a moment, what it might be like not to be able to do any of those things — for a myriad of reasons: no job, no money, no food, no rights, no hospital, no treatment, no vitality and so on.
Years before I had cancer, my father had lost his legs to diabetes. One holiday evening, my spouse and I were standing at a sink full of dirty dishes. The dishwasher was broken, so the job fell to us. When we started to grumble about “having” to do all this work, we both looked at each other and knew how grateful my Dad would have been to stand at that sink and wash every single dish.
This is not about denying the anxiety, fear, and side effects that come with many medical procedures and other life tribulations. It doesn’t imply there is something to like about them. It simply acknowledges that today I get to do something that may help me regain my health and extend my life. Or that today I am able to do this task that my neighbour or friend can no longer do.
And now for the irony
For the month of April, I have been complaining about having to have a colonoscopy:
I am in my 80th year (do I still need this procedure?) I have a bit of an allergic reaction to the prep and I swore I would never have another one. In other words, poor me.
The irony is obvious. I write and teach about the power of words, suggesting that “I get to” is a better way to frame things than “I have to.” I encourage people to use “I get to,” which carries agency, a modicum of control, a lighter vibe, and far less piggyback suffering. It offers a gentle reality check for the poor-me voice that insists this unpleasant thing is being done to us.
My first appointment on April 13th was postponed after I had already modified my diet to eat only things I mostly don’t enjoy, to April 27th, two days ago. I was dreading the prep and could think only that this would truly be my last time.
It’s true that I have a can-do mindset and confidence in my ability to usually manage things, with help. And yet here I found myself right in the middle of “I have to.” Sigh.
Insight
When I arrived at The Ottawa Gastrointestinal Institute, I was impressed by the pleasant surroundings, friendly, kind and efficient staff, and my excellent medical team.
It was the surgeon who gave me the proverbial whack on the side of the head, reminding me that these inelegant procedures are protecting me from colon cancer and that in my case, they will continue for as long as I am alive, for exactly that reason.
“These are not screening procedures,” he said. “For you, they are an early warning system that can prevent colorectal cancer.”
It was a moment.
I am a proponent of the oft-maligned colonoscopy (even though I dread the prep) for precisely the reasons he had just stated. And yet I had turned it into something “I have to do.”
It took no time at all to recognize my own good fortune; to get to have a test that takes less than 24 hours of my time once every three to five years, removes those tiny polyps before they can become anything more, and keeps colorectal cancer at bay. A cancer that is the second leading cause of cancer death yet with early detection carries a survival rate of 90%. Amazing.
I am grateful to have that blind spot removed and to change my mind. By taking my own medicine, “I get to” the whole procedure has changed for me.
Notes
- My dear friend whom I wrote about last week did die on Friday, her 84th birthday. She was a brilliant writer, a wonderful friend to many, devoted to her family and had the most compassionate of hearts. And she loved to laugh, contribute and create. We will miss her! And all who know and love her are grateful that she is free from pain. I got to be part of an online Shiva for her last night at her synagogue in the Hudson Valley. Blaze was loved and respected by many. A deep bow to her life.
- One of my favourite teachers suggested to our class that when we are learning something where we think others can benefit, the first question to ask ourselves is this: How does this apply to me?
- Five years ago, I wrote a medical haiku for the colonoscopy:
Colonoscopy
Inelegant procedure
Yet! Saves many lives
4. Because there is such power in words, I caution you not to treat “I Get To” as a formula. Use it where it fits, and as you see fit.
5. Photos are still from Vancouver (thanks Rob) but next week I will show you Ottawa blossoms.
6. Thank you for reading these musings. May you get to welcome May with lots of outdoor time and blossoms. See you next week. Warmly, Trudy
Good insight, a bother the colonoscopy but is a good thing as you say. Saves lives and we want your life to be saved.
Good morning Trudy, I really like the phrase “I get to“ when I remember to use it. Thanks for reminding me that what I talk about, also applies to me in real life. Integration in my daily life and practicing what I read about and know – so key to managing life successfully. Got to go … I get to run several errands now!!!
Thanks Mary. The how does this apply to me part can be tricky. We step up and we fall behind – that’s why I agree with St. Augustine, “to err is human.”Have a wonderful trip. Just imagine that – you get to go traveling. So happy for you. Warmly, Trudy
So true, so true Trudy, saying I have to… instead of claiming I get to…, I can…and really appreciating what is possible. I am glad for you to have your colonoscopy behind you (no pun intended, well, maybe a little bit). May you be well and enjoy the slow arrival of spring’s blossoms. xoxox
Thank you dear Janice. Pun received haha. The blossoms are beautiful and everyday there is a fresh batch. This is a month to be outside as much as possible before the heat waves begin. As always, Trudy
Love this mindset and try to live by it.love in gratitude.
Thank you dear Jean. You demonstrate these three words everyday. Warmly, Trudy
I get to has been so important to me over the last year and a half of treatment for breast cancer and spinal tumor removal. The recovery continues but now I can say that I get to walk the steps, I get to enjoy a walk outside and I can do my Tai Chi Chih. I get to look forward. And I am so happy that a good friend of mine sent me your uplifting words.
Hello Nancy Jane: thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to send a note.And thanks to your friend who suggested it.”I get to” is like three small magic words that can make a big difference when faced with most things that we find challenging and/or tedious. It was lovely to hear about your own experience. Best wishes, Trudy