Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Losing one’s hair is one of the devastating side effects of chemo, for many people, including me. The anticipation of this loss loomed large in my life back in 2008, and I wanted to find a way to see it differently since I was going to be living without hair for many months. It occurred to me as my hair started falling out in wispy chunks that I wasn’t a victim of hair loss, but rather, by choosing a life-saving treatment, I had also chosen hair loss. (since it had been made clear that this would happen)

I could have said no to chemotherapy.

There are always consequences to choices, and I chose chemo. My daughter questioned me and said, “But Mom, you always said that if you got cancer, you wouldn’t do chemo. What changed your mind?” I explained that I had researched the evidence, and in my case, it was crystal clear – my best chance of survival was chemo. The other truth, when I uttered that proclamation to my daughter, is that it never occurred to me for one moment that I might get cancer.

The choice was mine; if I had said no, I wouldn’t have lost my hair, but I may have lost my life. Of course, we don’t even know that for sure. So, as a favourite professor and author of mine, Dr. Arthur Frank reminds us, even when faced with half-choices from a limited array of possibilities, “we can shift the perspective from the disease to the illness. Because we can choose how we experience illness, we can be more than victims. Choice (even half-choice) can turn the worst of circumstances into an experience of value.”

Agency

So I chose to see my hair loss as part and parcel of a treatment that for me was life-giving, and in hindsight, I am glad I did.  I am fortunate to still be standing after 17 years.

Many people go through tough times – health and otherwise – and they all involve making choices. Some choices are life-altering, and there are often unintended consequences. Some are heartbreaking, and we are fully aware of what we will face. However, when we can view those consequences as part of the choices we made for a greater purpose – health, and/or well-being, we take back our agency. We are not victims. We can be the victims of circumstances, but that is not the same as taking on a victim mentality. The latter is something we want to push back on and not fall into a trap of helplessness.

Speaking of helplessness, it can be helpful when we are suffering to remember that we are not alone. Everyone everywhere is going through tough stuff at one time or another. It is part of life. We can take heart in the lives of others who have faced difficult choices, made them and adapted to the consequences.

One more important thing – this is not in denial of the inevitable and natural suffering that we must face; rather it is looking at the situation with a different point of view, and perhaps lessening the suffering we can do something about.

I wrote a poem about the loss of my hair back in 2008. Not a good poem by any criteria, but an important poem to me because it helped me deal with a painful situation differently. I had reason to find this poem yesterday and am posting it in the notes. You, too, may decide to write your poem about your situation and discover for yourself the healing properties of scribbling.

Notes

1:) When I was looking for music last week, I happened upon this piece from the 60’s. I enjoyed this instrumental version of  A Whiter Shade of Pale with King Curtis and the King Pins. Curtis was one of the great American saxophonists. Thinking of you, Sue.

2:) We are coming out of the massive heat wave here in the east, and it was a joy to take a walk today with a new friend, who is a precious friend of my old friend. A wonderful happenstance. A week of gifts. May you all enjoy these end-of-June days. Beauty everywhere. And so many thank you’s for stopping by here, with lots of good wishes and gratefulness, I remain, Trudy PS Photos from Van Deusen Gardens thanks to Rob

3:) Apology To My Hair

I was never satisfied with you
too fine
too straight
too unruly
the way you parted yourself
too close to the middle
the way you stuck out at the back and sides
always slightly dishelved.

 

I would have preferred
thick
curly
manageable hair
the kind you see in the glossy magazines.

Now that you’re gone
I see I took you for granted
never appreciated your fine qualities
the many ways you served me
how you
warmed my scalp
protected my head
softened my face
flattered my person
reassured me by your daily presence.

 

I blamed you for bad hair days and took credit for good ones.

When you return
there will be
no more complaints
no more criticism of what you lack
any colour will do
texture too.

You will see
how I have learned
to appreciate
YOU.