Anything Could Happen, at Any Moment and You Can Handle It
In my 80 years of experience, I know this to be true. Not that I can handle it all on my own but with the help of friends, family, professionals, neighbours, colleagues, strangers we can make it through. We do, however, need to ask for help and that can sometimes be the stumbling block.
Oliver Burkeman always has something useful to say about this:
The therapist and writer Sheryl Paul defines anxiety as “a feeling of dread, agitation, or foreboding associated with a danger that does not exist in the present moment.” I’m guessing you can relate; I certainly can. (Holding this sort of feeling at bay is, I think, the secret motive behind many people’s interest in productivity techniques, personal development and so on.) Both parts of Paul’s definition are crucial: anxiety is the feeling that something very bad might be going to happen – combined with the absence or near-absence of any real evidence to believe it actually will. Which is extremely bizarre, when you think about it, and worth a closer look, if only because – and I speak from experience – going around all day with a pit in your stomach is no way to live…in my experience, (the interventiom) is not mental insight or cognitive exercise, but action:
inching forward into the future, doing tiny bits of the things that are causing the anxiety, committing a little more to the relationships you’re feeling tentative about – and discovering, in each moment, further concrete evidence that in fact you can cope with what reality tosses your way. (“It’s easier to act yourself into new ways of thinking than to think yourself into new ways of acting.”) My life so far provides zero reason to believe I’ll ever attain the degree of control over the future I always thought I needed. But then again, my track record of not yet having been entirely overwhelmed by existence suggests that maybe I never needed it to begin with. (This excerpt is from an essay in Burkeman’s newsletter called The Imperfectionist.)
Eighteen years ago
When I was going through my treatment for cancer there was an evening when my spouse told me about an unusual sensation in his right leg. For several days it had felt as though cold water was being poured on his foot and calf. It sounded like some form of neuropathy to me and I told him so.
Unfortunately for him, I chose that moment to climb up on my soapbox and announce, “the one thing I have learned since my cancer diagnosis is that ANYTHING can happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME.”
I then went on to list the possibilities, all of them bad: car accident; stroke; heart attack; cancer; ALS; financial ruin; being caught in a hotel room as a cyclone goes through. You get the picture.
He begged me to stop and added that he thoroughly regretted mentioning his leg to me. And then we laughed.
It is however no laughing matter, because it’s true. It is life, and in a single moment we go from this to that. It’s not always so dramatic as the items I mentioned and it can also be worse. Our life can change radically in one moment, through no fault of our own.
I believe that part of the shock and the pain we suffer from goes beyond the event itself, which is already enough to cope with. The disbelief we are often left with is that we could never have imagined “this thing” happening to “us.”
To me.
We can imagine them happening to others. We know that is true. But in our heart of hearts we believe ourselves to be exempt from the unacceptable.
Each Other
Part of coping and part of learning to live with requires others. I know I sound like a broken record but we cannot live in isolation. When we are impacted by the burdens of our lives, one of the ways we cope is getting help from each other: family; friends; professionals; strangers…and we need to let them know we need help. We also need to be discerning and pick and choose who we get help from. Not all help is helpful.
A few days ago I received a thoughtful comment on my blog- a tip, from one of our readers, which really resonated with me. She wrote about one of the ways she gets through difficult times and since most of you didn’t get to see that comment I will include it here.
Thanks to Marilyn O:
Robins are chirping on our condo property in Calgary. Robins’ breast is bright red and the chirp soothing. The tulips are popping up as the snow melts, only to snow again. Sunny days with strong winds. Progress towards warmer weather, and all in good time.
To those having a difficult time, I find it helpful to break the day down – facing the morning only. By noon, we can face the afternoon into evening, because morning was better than expected. We can do hard things with gentle support from others. Reach out. Write a few words of gratitude, have a cup of tea, watch nature from inside or outside, keeping our minds clear and just maybe that Robin will stop by.🌹
Notes
1) The banner photo is old, taken on Gabriola in springtime. Crocuses are always a good sign. The beautiful bird is a yellow-headed blackbird taken by Rob at his duck pond/marsh in Vancouver. This is the first time I have seen one and I consider it to be stunning.
2) Looks like my computer will be a write-off and thankfully I have use of my daughter’s. Thank you Meghan.
3) “What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn’t make it worse. Not being open about it doesn’t make it go away. And because it is true, it’s what is there to be interacted with. Anything untrue isn’t there to be lived. People can stand what is true, for they are already enduring it.” Eugene Gendlin
4) May you take heart! Please accept my thanks for taking time to read this blog. With appreciation, Trudy
Dear Trudy, Wiser words have ne’er been spoken. And very timely too. Thank you! Thank you! Plus the blackbird photo is totally amazing – perfect! Thanks to Rob are extended
Thank you dear Mary. I am glad you liked the blackbird too. There is lots of wisdom floating around and its especially helpful when we can put it into action. Good luck to us all. With gratitude, trudy
I’m so glad Meghan lent you her computer so you could share this wonderful post!
Thank you Kate. I am still using her computer until I can sort out what happens next, so. I am lucky.Warmly. Trudy
Thank you, Trudy! Loving the quote from Eugene Gendlin. He has been a very important resource for me.
Thanks for your note, Lisa. I am not familiar with Eugene Gendin, yet. I did appreciate the quote I came across, I think from Oliver Burkeman, and will learn more about him.Best wishes, Trudy
Loved your story about “ANYTHING can happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME.” Such a good reminder of how we can so quickly go from zero to catastrophe in a moment 🙂 Also appreciated the tip from your reader about breaking the day down – even without anxiety, it’s a good practice. thanks and love as always xoxo
Thanks dear Janice. I too loved that example from Marilyn O and I have heard from others how they liked it too. Thanks for always showing up. Big hugs, Trudy
For me, the spiritual aspect of being offers deep and often mystical support. Yes, through other people, through nature, through our own inner resources. I receive countless blessing and strength through this “invisible but real” source. I believe it isn’t all up to me.
I agree dear Carol. I trust in the great mystery of living and dying and it is helpful to know that I’m not in this alone. Best wishes, Trudy
Great post Trudy, I particularly liked you remembering your sermon on the soap box – I certainly do, somewhat fondly- haha
Thanks Gottfried. Fond memories that make me smile. Best wishes, Trudy