A Reminder From Epictetus

I wrote this post one year and one month ago and published it here. Today, I was musing about what I might write, and as I sat down to do so, I thought of Epictetus. The stoics are helpful at times like these and I could use a reminder for myself.

Stoicism

I was re-introduced to Epictetus by John Stephure (co-founder of Wellspring Calgary) with the gift of a small book called The Art of Living by Sharon Lebell. I had known about the Stoics and Epictetus from University Philosophy classes, where they played a minor role, although they intrigued me.

“Stoicism’ was a philosophy that flourished for some 400 years in Ancient Greece and Rome, gaining widespread support among all classes of society. It had one overwhelming and highly practical ambition: to teach people how to be calm and brave in the face of overwhelming anxiety and pain.

We still honour this school whenever we call someone ‘stoic’ or plain ‘philosophical’ when fate turns against them: when they lose their keys, are humiliated at work, rejected in love, or disgraced in society. Of all philosophies, Stoicism remains perhaps the most immediately relevant and useful for our uncertain and panicky times.” From The School of Life website.

If you were to read the Stoics, they take a hard line on almost everything, and even though I relate to the spirit of what they say, you know me by now and can assume that I take the soft line and work within the spirit of the recommendations.

Epictetus is one of my favourite Stoics. I suppose it comes from the fact that he was born a slave and yet ended up being an influential philosopher in Ancient Rome. And also because he was interested in ordinary people, not just the Academy of Philosophers.

Like all stoics, he was concerned with the fundamentals of life, much like Dr. Shoma Morita and Dr. Itami with his Meaningful Life Therapy and much of what we talk about here. I discovered that the Stoics influenced Morita Therapy and Viktor Frankl’s Logo Therapy.

A few fundamental principles of Stoicism, which are compatible with my work, are:

“Some things are under our control, and other things are not under our control.”

(I say, What’s controllable and what’s not?) Then, we put our efforts into the things that we can do something about. Sometimes, the effort to influence or mitigate can change the outcome. Sometimes, we have to face the facts of what we don’t like and move on. This is where I regularly speak of Arugamama –a radical acceptance. With things as they are now, what can I do? This has nothing to do with passive resignation.

“See things for what they are” –

 (I say Facts as Facts”)

“Don’t depend on the admiration of others.”

(Effort is good fortune)at a time when so much of life is driven by others, it is vital that we choose to approve of ourselves without striving to be approved by others. And beyond that, as much as we wish it were otherwise, results aren’t 100% controllable by us. If you have lived long enough, you have experienced it. This is not an excuse for being irresponsible, but a caution to recognize that our best efforts are what we can control and are ultimately what counts.

When Brene Brown gave her first TED Talk, which became one of the most-watched TED Talks ever, she was shocked by one thing: the amount of hate mail she received publicly.

She talks about how it left her reeling and fearful of ever doing another talk again. But as you know, she regrouped and accepted that she could do nothing about the haters. She had to do what she saw as important and recognize that, like all humans, she would blunder, but she still needed to do what she thought was hers to do. Whether people liked it or not was not in her direct control. So, that outcome wasn’t how she judged herself.

She quotes Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Anxiety (co-existing with anxiety, uncertainty, and fear)

Anything can happen to anyone at any time. Good-hearted people often tell us that everything will be ok – people want to cheer us up when we’re mired in uncertainty, and they hasten to reassure us.

“But the Stoics bitterly opposed such a strategy because they believed that anxiety flourishes in the gap between what we fear might and what we hope could happen. Their suggestion was to follow the thread of the worst possible outcome through to the end and figure out how you would handle it should this come to pass.”

This is close to my strategy, and yet I recognize the naturalness of anxiety, in the here and now. When things are terrible, why wouldn’t we be anxious?  That is to be expected. I suggest that it is liberating when we discover that we can do things in the here and now while being nervous. (doesn’t mean it is easy) Take the time I realized I had prepared for the wrong topic for my weekly webinar. That was anxiety-producing five minutes before the start. And I needed to address the elephant in the room and move on. You learn that you can still respond and offer something useful while being anxious. Mind you, my throat was a bit raspy, and other signs of anxiety were present, yet I made my way through, thanks also to the generosity of the participants. That is the practice.

The practice is when we are anxious, be anxious, and do things anyway. It doesn’t mean we don’t prepare. Of course, we do our part.  Then, we show up and be the best anxious person delivering our talk. We don’t have to fix our anxiety first to do things, and that is freedom.

“Conform your expectations to reality.”

Or, it’s in the nature of fire to burn. This is a reminder to be realistic about life and other people.

If your friend is always late, why are you surprised that he or she is late this time? If your sister usually sees the worst side of the equation, why be surprised when she responds in precisely that way today?

We get angry and disappointed with others– especially with our partners, sometimes our children or parents. Often with our politicians. But here’s the facts. Of course, our loved ones will disappoint us, naturally our colleagues will fail us, invariably our friends will hurt us even inadvertently. And we also disappoint in the very same ways from time to time. As for politicians…no comment.

“Never suppress a generous impulse.”

(an Epictetus maxim and a Dalai Lama maxim and I fully agree)

Or when queried about death, which is inevitable for all, Epictetus says:

“I have to die. If it is now, well then, I die now; if later, then now I will take my lunch, since the hour for lunch has arrived – and dying I will tend to later.”

In other words, “To make the best of what is in our power and take the rest as it occurs.” Or my maxim, sing while there is voice left.

Update:

When world affairs are out of our control and we feel helpless, it can help us and others to get involved in small or big ways, depending on our temperament. I am grateful for activists, but I am not one of them. We can be informed without a 24-hour-a-day news cycle and be selective about whom we read. I can write letters, vote, volunteer, donate small amounts, and shore up the people in my circles of influence, as they provide guidance, hope and comfort to me. In other words, do my part where I am. Joan Baez said: Action is the antidote to despair.

I always recommend activities, hobbies, nature, music, and time with friends to help us maintain our equilibrium. Resisting cynicism, no matter how tempting, is essential.

I hope you can find ways to cope in uncertain times. The most important thing for me is always kindness. We all have kind moments, and I aspire to have more of them.

Notes

1:) Some days are harder than others. And yet… these last few lines from the Jane Hirschfield poem The Weighing spell it out.

“So few grains of happiness

measured against all the dark

and still, the scales balance.

The world asks of us

only the strength we have, and we give it

Then it asks more, and we give it.”

2:) Photos are from Gabriola Island and Vancouver.

3:) How about a little classical guitar this week with one of the world’s best – John Williams.  Cavatina (A small, simple song)

4:) You can’t imagine how much I appreciate your company. A thousand thank-you’s. With warm appreciation, Trudy