A Few Thoughts on Disappointment

What is going on?

You thought musings about dust were bad enough, and now – “disappointment…” What is going on? I suppose my friend Oliver Burkeman (whom I have never met) is a bad influence. His latest newsletter was called “Be A Disappointment,” and it immediately caught my attention.

In these last six weeks, I have thought of disappointment in three particular ways: being disappointed as in having my surgery cancelled, and disappointing others, as in not showing up the way I wanted to or perhaps as was expected. And the hardest to manage, disappointing myself by failing to live up to some unrealistic standard. Yet. we all have many stories about disappointment. Furthermore, if we live long enough, we learn that disappointment is as natural as a windy, cold day in April. Although natural, we don’t like it.

Inevitability

The secret I think is to come to terms with the inevitability of disappointment in all of its guises and cultivate a little tenderness towards it. As mentioned, I am talking not just about when others disappoint us but when we disappoint them and ourselves.

The hardest person to be tender to is often ourselves because we set a false standard that is not sustainable for any human being. And then we blame ourselves for not being able to measure up to the impossible. I often hear stories when people living with an intractable illness can no longer rise to the occasion. We all know what that is like and even when we are clear on our circumstances it can still be tough to let go of our image that just knows we are good in a crisis. And when that day comes and it is impossible to be that person, it can be difficult to live with the new knowledge that  we are letting others down. Or so we judge it.

Mortality

I find disappointing others very hard to live with. Still, I see that it is impossible not to. We can’t be in two places at once. Not everything we do works out. If we are to learn anything new, we need to have tolerance for mistakes, bad art, poor form…you name it. I have so many good intentions that don’t get followed through on. The audacity of the article Burkeman wrote, Be A Disappointment resonated with me.

Once again, the idea of mortality, and our expiry date always reminds me that this is it…today, here, now, is all that I can count on. Things can change on a dime. It is not my job to get it right all the time. I just need to be trending in the direction that matters the most. And having the humility to know that impossible standards are just that – impossible.

It is easy to understand where these delusional standards came from, but it is much harder to gently acknowledge them and let them go. We are mortals. Perfection is not achievable nor desirable for most, if not all of us. As the above-mentioned article states:

It’s probably worth saying that none of this has anything to do with behaving selfishly or with high-handed disregard for others. If you’re a moderately well-adjusted person, the goals you’re pursuing will in some sense be about making the world a better place; and the kind of person you’re seeking to be, in your various roles, will presumably be a generally compassionate and helpful one. It’s just that to do all this freely, enjoyably and well demands that your actions not be dictated by the fear of everyone else’s judgments.

…

Disappointment feels close to the core of what it means to confront the truth about human limitation. After all, it’s because our time and attention are limited that we can’t please everyone. And the ceaseless sacrifice of alternative possibilities demanded by our finitude is nothing if not disappointing.

And so the more I’m willing to experience disappointment, and to risk disappointing others, the more I’m really here, feeling the full poignancy of my situation. Accepting the place of disappointment in life means falling back down to earth; and falling back down to earth is never going to be entirely pleasant. But it also puts you back in the only place where you can stand on solid ground, put one foot in front of the other, and actually get on with the things you care about the most.

And so it seems I always come back to this – doing the best we can, with what we know and with the resources we have, and within the circumstances we find ourselves. Having the humility to acknowledge that we will sometimes get it right and sometimes not. And for kindness’ sake, let’s cut ourselves and others some slack. Like that little snail of poet Marge Piercy, zigzagging to and fro.

“…But remember to bury
all old quarrels
behind the garage for compost.
Forgive who insulted you.
Forgive yourself for being wrong.
You will do it again
for nothing living
resembles a straight line,
certainly not this journey
to and fro, zigzagging
you there and me here
making our own road onward
as the snail does…” excerpt from Marge Piercy’s poem

Notes

1:) I have the honour and privilege to assist my friend, well-known yoga teacher Helga Beer,  in a special event this summer. It will be held in Victoria in August and is a chance to take a break from the digital world and to live quietly, reflectively, creatively and cheerfully with a few other lively and curious women. Helga secured the space for our retreat at the rustic Cedar Song Centre for Wild Belonging – a 54 acre property nestled within a beautiful forest in the Highlands near Victoria, BC. This is a place where they host a variety of retreats throughout the year, and we were fortunate to get this ten-day slot.  We have one, possibly two spots that have recently become available.  For anyone interested to learn more, please email helgabeer@fastmail.com

2:) The banner – forget-me-nots- and the red winged blackbird are from Vancouver; thanks Rob. The eagle from Gabriola Island thanks Gottfried.

3:) “Disappointment is the bridge between expectations and reality. Learn to cross it gracefully, for it leads to personal growth and wisdom.” Dalai Lama

4:) Ottawa is filled with beauty even in the rain. The Magnificent Tulip Festival begins this Friday and the canal pathways are luminous with varieties and colours . It is the world’s largest tulip festival with 500,000 visitors a year. This festival symbolizes the strong bond between Canada and the Netherlands when Canada liberated the Netherlands during the Second World War and provided a safe place for Princess Juliana to live during the Nazi invasion. It is one of my most favourite festivals. And I must mention the Golden Weeping Willows. So many shades of green. And the Magnolia Trees. It is a breathtaking and flourishing time of year. I hope you too enjoy it wherever you live. All my best wishes and appreciation, Trudy.