It’s funny how things come together.

The last few days I couldn’t decide what to write about on my blog. It wasn’t a lack of ideas, more a lack of focus. I blame it on the weather with rain, dull gray skies and still needing to wear a flannelette nightgown for sleeping. It doesn’t help that this is the end of May, not the beginning of November. It’s true that we did have a sunny warm week-end. In fact too hot for the runners at Sunday’s Marathon. It all goes to show that the weather is out of our control and we may as well “dress accordingly,” as my sensible friend declares and get on with living.

As I was walking home, after dropping my grandson off at school, I noticed the apple blossoms bursting forth on the lone tree pictured here. And suddenly I was pulled into the beauty right in front of my nose. As well as into childhood and the joy I experienced gazing at apple orchards in the Annapolis Valley in the spring. Childhood memories conjure up all kinds of stories and Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen popped into my mind like a joyful surprise.

Rachel Remen is a brilliant storyteller and her unique perspective on healing comes from her role as physician, professor of medicine, and longterm survivor of chronic illness herself. Her first book of true stories, called  Kitchen Table Wisdom, is well worth putting on your nightstand, and reading a story everyday. It is medicine for the soul.

So, in these rainy spring days as trees and flowers still bloom and blossom even without weeks of sunshine, and the world has suffering galore, my heart turns to Dr. Remen. She is our faithful reminder and cheerleader, from the trenches,  of how lives do have beautiful,  heartfelt and meaningful moments even on dark days.

 

Over the years I have seen the power of taking an unconditional relationship to life. I am surprised to have found a sort of willingness to show up for whatever life may offer and meet with it rather than wishing to edit and change the inevitable…When people begin to take such an attitude, they seem to become intensely alive, intensely present. Their losses and suffering have not caused them to reject life, have not cast them into a place of resentment, victimization, or bitterness.

From such people, I have learned a new definition of the word ‘joy.’ I had thought joy to be rather synonymous with happiness, but it seems now to be far less vulnerable than happiness. Joy seems to be part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectations. Joy seems to be a function of the willingness to accept the whole, and to show up to meet with whatever is there. It has a kind of invincibility that attachment to any particular outcome would deny us. Rather than the warrior who fights toward a specific outcome and therefore is haunted by the specter of failure and disappointment, it is the lover drunk with the opportunity to love despite the possibility of loss, the player for whom playing has become more important than winning or losing.

The willingness to win or lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness. From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life. Not only pleasant life, or comfortable life, or our idea of life, but all life. Joy seems more closely related to aliveness than happiness.

The strength that I notice developing in many of my patients and in myself after all these years could almost be called a form of curiosity. What one of my colleagues calls fearlessness. At one level, of course, I fear outcome as much as anyone. But more and more I am able to move in and out of that and to experience a place beyond preference for outcome, a life beyond life and death. It is a place of freedom, even anticipation. Decisions made from this perspective are life-affirming and not fear-driven. It is a grace.

Rachel Naomi Remen, Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal

 

Notes:

Note 1:) Kitchen Table wisdom was first published in 1994. It is probably available in a second hand bookstore for a good price. It is only available in my library as an ebook but I think this is a  book to read in print. In 2006 they republished a tenth anniversary edition with new content, which I haven’t read.

Note 2:) I have always found solace from words. Especially a well told true story. I think as humans we relate to stories. I believe Rachel’s stories are so profound because she  identifies with the suffering and challenges of her patients. A shared humanity, filled with learning, comfort, laughter and the richness of what cannot be measured. As Jon-Kabat Zinn, Ph.D, proclaims: “an extraordinary outpouring of human wisdom.”

Note 3:) Thank you so much for continuing to stop by. There are so many wonderful things in the world to claim your attention, so I appreciate you spending a little time here. See you next week, Trudy

 

Gossip

 An old Jewish folktale, on the power of words.

It goes like this:

The words we use can hurt as well as heal…yet there is more to kind speech than saying nice things.

There was once a man who loved to gossip. He loved the attention it brought him, and could not stop himself from speaking about others, sometimes sharing the good they did, but most often sharing the mistakes they had made.

In time, however, he realized the harm his speech was causing and he sought to make amends. He went to his rabbi and explained the situation, and asked how he could make amends.

The rabbi thought for a moment and instructed the man to go to the marketplace and purchase two of the finest feather pillows he could find. He should then take his pillows to the top of the mountain overlooking the village, tear them open, and spill the feathers into the wind.

The man was surprised and pleased at the rabbi’s advice. He thought repentance would be much harder than this. So he ran to the marketplace, purchased his pillows, and within an hour had scattered their feathers to the wind.

He returned to the rabbi all aglow. He was ready to be forgiven for his gossiping. Not just yet, the rabbi told him. There was one more thing to do. He had to return to the mountain and repack the pillows with the feathers he had scattered.

“But that’s impossible,” the man said. “Those feathers have gone everywhere, there is no way I can take them back now.”

The rabbi nodded solemnly and said, “What is true of feathers is true of words. Once spoken they can never be retrieved. The harm caused by gossip cannot be undone.”

Taken from Rabbi Rami Shapiro’s book, “the sacred art of Lovingkindness preparing to practice.”

Blaming words

The old nursery rhyme about how words can never hurt you is debunked everyday, word by word.  As we hurl words at each other, in the public and private sectors, we duck, not because they break our bones but because they can break our hearts, and our spirits. We have never been more capable of hurting each other with words, than we are now.

People diagnosed with serious illness are too often struck by words. Just like the young woman, who, when asked what surprised her most about cancer said this: “I never thought I would be blamed for my cancer.”  This doesn’t happen to everyone but it happens too frequently, in my opinion. Especially with young adults and those with lung cancer.  The hurtful assumptions about “what you did wrong,” or some variation on that theme can even be posed by well meaning and misinformed friends.

I understand why this happens. We are deluged with information on how to “prevent” cancer, heart disease, diabetes and any number of serious illnesses. We read about all the lifestyle factors that can prevent these conditions. And if we are following those guidelines and don’t get ill ourselves, we come to believe it is really that simple.

On the other hand, the reality is far more complex. Cancer is a multi-factoral illness. We don’t know precisely what turns a cancer cell on, or why a healthy and fit 45 year old has a heart attack. We all know people who did everything right and still have a heart attack, get cancer, and other challenging conditions. The last thing they need is to think they are to blame.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for a healthy lifestyle.

Of course, lifestyle matters! We up our chances to stay healthy, if we take care of the basics. I am a cheerleader for a healthy lifestyle, but not because it will prevent anything. Rather, because we improve the quality of our everyday lives. We feel better in body, mind and spirit. It is also true that we can  reduce our risks to several serious and chronic illnesses, if we attend to the basics. This is important, even though we cannot control the outcome.

Should we get an unexpected diagnosis, our good health can  help us better undergo our treatment and recovery.  And if we are fortunate enough to avoid serious illness, let’s not make assumptions about why others get sick. None of us have as much control as we think. We learn this lesson quickly, when we or someone we love is unexpectedly diagnosed with a serious illness.

So along with a healthy lifestyle, I am an advocate of promoting words that heal. My own good intentions are not always translated into action but I keep on trying to be conscious of the words I use.   I fret about what we all read in the press. When we see the word “prevent,” let’s suggest a substitute like “up our chances” or “reduce our risks.” When we read about lung cancer let’s remember that one of the first hospitals to ban smoking was the Montreal General and not until 1998.  At the time my children were born, many doctors and health professionals were all smoking. Smoking went on in hospital rooms, movie theaters, airplanes and so on.  Even during Dr’s visits. In other words, it wasn’t that long ago, when we were all exposed to smoke.

What I Mean by the basics:

1. 1. 1. 1. 1. Sleep
            2. Good food and lots of water
            3. Smoke free environment
            4. Move your body
            5. The company of others: friends, family and strangers
            6. Have fun today
            7. Your Ikigai – a reason to get up in the morning

 We have come such a long way. Yet…

Many people of my generation and older were steeped in first hand and second hand smoke. The average age of a lung cancer patient is 7o. So let us offer words of comfort to the strangers we read about and the friends we know, who are suffering from any smoke related illness. Forget the whole notion of blame. And no reason to stop there. Let’s offer our encouraging words to anyone who needs them.

Words are powerful. Consider the balm of sincere words lovingly poured on a fractured relationship. Think of last words. What would you want yours to be?  Think of the everyday way we fling words around, unconscious about where they will land. Think of times when the words of another were a lifeline for you, and how we can now offer our word’s to those in need of solace. In fact, during this time of weaponized words in almost every sector,  let’s join the resistance by offering our words as gifts to those who cross our paths. Let’s use our words to comfort and encourage.

 

“Tell us please, what treatment in an emergency is administered by ear?”….I met his gaze and I did not blink. “Words of comfort.”

Abraham Verghese,  American physician, author, Professor for the Theory and Practice of Medicine at Stanford University Medical School and Senior Associate Chair of the Department of Internal Medicine, from his book,  Cutting For Stone.

Notes:

Note 1:) I deeply appreciate the encouraging and kind words I receive from many of you. Kind words can cajole, comfort, inspire, nudge, remind and suggest. Don’t you think so much is in the tone of voice – the way they are given. Kind words can also say yes and no.   Thank you for taking the time to stop by here. I am grateful. Warm greetings to all, Trudy